When God Makes You Take a Knee
Please allow me to be vulnerable for a minute.
I am a fiercely independent woman and a hard-headed one. (I get my headedness from my father.) This combination has served me well throughout most of my life. If something needs to be done, I figure out how to make it work and plan accordingly. Life has dealt me so many blows that I’ve had no choice. My faith and my stubbornness have sustained me. (I get my stubbornness from my mother.) But 2024 raged relentless assaults on me - a job loss, aging parents, family fights, financial woes, being friend-zoned, and losing too many so-called friends to count. It was during these times that I leaned on my faith the most.
On the outside, I smiled, planned the outfits that made me appear as if I fit in, and when asked how I was doing, gave the standard answer, “I’m good,” knowing inside my depression and anxiety were flaring up like life’s hemorrhoids. Job searching in mid-life is hard enough, and the rejections still pile up higher than in a multi-car pile-up. But, my independence pushed me to form my LLC and finish my fourth book.
When I thought I couldn’t take anymore, my knee, which had been bone-on-bone for years, decided it was time to call it quits. How’s that for a conundrum while job searching? So, here I was on a cane, heartbroken and financially strapped, visiting food pantries, carrying on my usual volunteer activities with an impending knee surgery. Thank God for the Affordable Care Act - another blog for another day.
On December 23, I went under the knife and received my new knee, and although it pains me, I speak love to it every day. I can’t do much on my own these days. My daughter flew in from the University of Florida the day prior to the surgery, and my son arrived from the University of Missouri to take charge. Honestly, I couldn’t have done any of this without them. More than their academic accolades, I am so proud of the compassionate young adults they have become. I’ve had to rely on them for everything, even going to the bathroom at one point. One day, I felt so defeated about being unable to do something myself that I cried in front of my daughter. It’s ironic; I had stayed with her for two weeks, months before, to get her through her ACL replacement surgery. She said, “Mama, do you know how many times I cried in the shower? But you have to do this, and it will get better.” How’d she get so smart?
It was at that moment that God forced me to focus on my blessings and not my pitfalls. I have been blessed in so many ways. My remarkable son has been my rock since his sister returned to Florida. He takes his role as a caregiver very seriously with morning and nightly pill regimes, stringent twice-a-day home physical therapy exercises, protein, and green-enhanced smoothies initially concocted by my daughter, and anything else I may need in between. He doesn’t leave my side. The one time he did was to go and get groceries for us before this weekend’s storm. The dog had to be let out, so I snuck downstairs with my cane. Just as I was headed up the stairs, he walked in. Busted. I told him to worry more about getting the groceries inside and that I could make it upstairs by myself. I was on the second step and I could hear his footsteps behind me all the way to the top to grab my walker. Confession, sometimes I forget that part. I blame it on the medicine head.
He is but one of my angels. I have loved ones on all sides of me blessing me in remarkable ways, including a tremendous woman of faith who is battling cancer herself. Shout out to my Skee-Crew who brought me to tears with their recent blessing. I don’t want for anything because I have everything. Ms. Independent has learned to humble herself and ask for help when needed, and accept the tremendous blessings that have been given to me. Now, I see this time as an opportunity to rest, write more, and reflect. Do I still have moments of self-pity? Of course, I do; I’m human, but my faith is stronger, and I know 2025 is going to be my year!
Happy New Year! I pray you all get to experience the love and compassion that God has given me.